Unconfirmed reports.
A visibly shaken House Speaker Kurt Zellars (R-Maple Grove) told reporters this morning that he had been paid a visit during the night by a mysterious, ghostly specter, wrapped in blankets and calling himself “Old Piley.”
“Long ago, Old Piley was murdered by hippies in a state park,” Zellars said. “And now he walks the woods at night with his pile of blankets that he sleeps on, helping campers find their way, and doing magic ghost tricks for the children.”
“But we have evicted him from his final resting place in the state park with our thoughtlessness and intransigence. Old Piley told me he now haunts the Legislature, and he won’t stop until we agree to meet Governor Dayton halfway.”
Zellars continued: “I am extremely frightened by Old Piley, and I am going to do whatever he tells me to. He is obviously, in addition to being a ghost, completely crazy, with no regard for his own comfort or safety. Who sleeps on a pile of blankets in a state park?”
Old Piley said in a press release:
“Ever’body might be just one big soul,
Well it looks that a-way to me.
Everywhere that you look, in the day or night,
That’s where I’m a-gonna be, Ma,
That’s where I’m a-gonna be.
Wherever little children are hungry and cry,
Wherever people ain’t free.
Wherever men are fightin’ for their rights,
That’s where I’m a-gonna be, Ma.
That’s where I’m a-gonna be.”
