South 12th

Addendum: Cultural figures of the last ten years, and the years in which they will become the subjects of hagiographic, award-winning feature-length biopics.

Nick Denton, et al. (2021)

Kanye West (2025)

Ira Glass (2032)

Dale Earnhardt, Sr. (2040)

Julian Assange (2041)

Cultural figures of the last ten years, and the years in which they will become the subjects of hagiographic, award-winning feature-length documentaries.

Kanye West (2013)

The Mountain Goats (2017)

Cory Arcangel (2017)

Miranda July (2018)

Masta Ace (2018)

Jason Kottke (2018)

Dave Chapelle (2019)

Joanna Newsom (2019)

Nina Paley (2020)

Julian Assange (2021)

Rockstar Games (2022)

Maira Kalman (2022)

Arthur magazine (2022)

Jezebel (2022)

Kanye West (again — 2022)

Chuck Klosterman (2023)

Tom Scharpling (2024)

George Saunders (2026)

Ira Glass (2027)

Gawker (2031)

Dale Earnhardt, Sr. (2033)

More hip injuries.

• Threw back out helping Jean Seberg move.
• Damaged vocal cords yelling “Blow, man, blow!” at Newport Jazz Festival.
• Punched in face by Sun Ra.
• Run over by Karmann Ghia.
• Or dune buggy, on Fire Island.
• Burned lip lighting “tea stick.”
• Hyperventilation from hiding inside bass violin case.
• Paper cut from copy of Huysman’s A Rebours.
• Samba elbow.

“Indie Documentaries” Netflix Recommended Me Where the Title of the Documentary is Also the Thing That the Documentary is About

• Gay Sex in the ’70s
• Journalists Killed in the Line of Duty

Lyrical fragments from the first Modern Lovers album that would be great names for zines: a comprehensive list.

• 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
• Thousand Miles an Hour
• Radio On
• Past the Stop & Shop
• Modern Moonlight
• Spirit of 1956
• Patient in the Bushes
• Suburban Trees
• Suburban Speed
• Out All Night
• Got the A.M.
• Power of Massachusetts
• Modern Massachusetts
• Factories and Auto Signs
• Modern Sounds
• All Alone in My Room
• Astral Plane
• Other Lives
• Sleep With Me
• Just This Week
• Don’t Yet Know the Words
• Just This Week
• New York Girlfriend
• Fifties Apartment House
• Keep My Place
• Bye Bye Old World
• Walk Down Your Street
• The Color of an Avocado
• El Dorado
• Only 5’3”
• Never Called an Asshole
• Not in New York
• Bell-Bottom Assholes
• European Things
• European Things From 1943
• Another Man
• Self Destroy
• Self Enjoy
• Self Develop
• Self Help
• Eat Garbage
• Eat Shit
• Get Stoned
• Alone Eating Health Food at Home
• Back Into Your Life
• The Dating Bar
• Out of the Dating Bar
• Subway to Your Suburb
• Little Girl Mind
• Old Boyfriends in the Suburbs
• Nothing At All
• Feel Appalled
• Triumph in the Car
• Rich Girl
• Rich Girl Crawl
• 28 Misguided Souls
• We’re Moving In
• I Don’t Care What You Guys Do to Me
• Alright, Gentlemen
• The Room Where They Keep the Cezanne
• Through the Paintings
• 4:00 in the Afternoon
• 4:00 in the Afternoon in the Fenway
• Heart in My Hands
• Sex in the Sunny Day
• Boylston Street
• The Modern World
• Modern Love
• Suburban Rain
• Under a Suburban Rain
• Bleak & Nearly Dying
• All This Weak Stuff
• Drop Out of High School
• Not Like the Students Say
• In Heaven
• 3 Times Already Today
• This Phone Call
• Hippie Johnny
• He’s Stoned, Hippie Johnny!
• How They’re Deep
• This Bitterness and Sadness
• Dignified and Old
• Hey Kids
• Look at the Mountain
• My Girl and I
• Hard Work Today
• Secretaries Feel Better
• Office Boys Jumping for Joy
• Great Desks and Chairs
• Hey, Old Mr. Ahern
• Calm Down Awhile
• Secretaries Have to Stand Up
• That Feeling Inside
• Transmit It To Life

Lost menswear outfitters of the 20th Century: a selected overview of clothing labels in the S. 12th personal wardrobe.

• Career Club
• Johnny Carson
• American Trend
• T.E. Timme & Son
• Princeton
• Sulgrave
• Kuppenheimer
• Allen Solly (made expressly for Shillito Rikes)
• Champion
• Curlee
• Grande Luxe

Mopeds: an introduction.

Q: Which subcultural group favors mopeds as a primary mode of transportation?

• None of them.
• Too fast for fixie-riding hipsters.
• Too slow for Northern Soul mods.
• Too quiet for hippie-bashing Harley gangs.
• Too many moving parts for zip scooter-crazed tweens.

Q: Who would use a moped?

• A member of a moped gang.

Q: What are some characteristics of a moped gang member?

• Wears boat shoes.
• Listens to semi-nonthreatening American rock bands of the 1980s (Bad English, for example).
• Hassles tollbooth operators. Not “hassles” so much as “teases.”

Q: Would a member of a moped gang wear a silk scarf?

• No, because the manual that comes with the moped warns against wearing loose, dangling items of clothing.

Q: What is typical moped gang’s favored brand of moped?

• Puch AG, of Graz, Austria.

Q: What are some German phrases a moped gang member frequently uses?

• “Sie haben verschüttet Sprite auf meiner Puch Mofa, du dumbkopf.”
• “Möchten Sie gerne, wenn ich verschüttet Sprite auf Ihrer Puch Mofa?”
• “Lassen Sie uns ärgern, dass Mautstelle Betreiber.”
• “Mein Lieblingslied von Bad English ist ‘When I See You Smile.’”

One for my loyal Friday overnight readers.

My default winter around-the-apartment nighttime outfit, for when I am ambling around cooking or watching a movie or listening to the BBC World Service, consists of the following:

• one pair of black silk L.L. Bean long underwear that are thin enough to resemble leggings, and…
• one oversize thrift-store green and black flannel shirt

I only bring this up because, incredibly, it is the exact same outfit your contemporary dancer girlfriend in college wore around the apartment. I am one pair of leggings away from being your hot date to the Blueberry Boat album release party and drunkenly, tearfully throwing a half-empty bottle of Goldschlager at your head outside the Plaza Tavern on State Street because you’re being an asshole again.

Oh my god, here she is on Lookbook!

Oh no, another one!

I mean, did you think I cooked red sauce in a cravat and monogrammed silk smoking jacket? I am sorry to disappoint you, reader.

Missed opportunities to spread chaos in the suburbs, #1.

• When Nate and I didn’t approach those two kids and offer them $5 a piece to stop raking the leaves in their front yard.

This was Nate’s idea when we were both at my parents’ house on Christmas Eve taking a walk. The kids would have taken it, right? “Hey, you two, raking leaves, huh? We got five dollars for both of you if you stop.” They take the money, we split, and a suburban yard goes unraked. Ten dollars is a small price to pay to spread dischord and sloth throughout our childhood homestead. Plus, best of all, we figured the kids’ parents wouldn’t believe them afterwards:

“Cody! Noah! Why aren’t you out there raking the leaves like I told you to? It’s still a mess out there!”

“But dad, two Russian-looking guys in furry hats, beards and twirly mustaches gave us five dollars to stop…”

“What an outrageous lie! You’re telling me there’s two guys wandering around the neighborhood in supervillian outfits on Christmas Eve paying children to not do their chores? Absurd! That’s it! Go to your room!” 

And Operation: Chaos begins.

However, we walked by again later and the kids had done a really, really good job raking. They probably wouldn’t have taken our blood money, anyway.

Also, I’m sure we would have been arrested.

Related: it’s Nate’s birthday today. Email him and tell him how much you love reading about him on S. 12th all the god-damned time.